Sunday, December 7, 2008

A Brief History of Twilight

For those of us who are not teenage girls, a bookstore clerk, or a lover of all that is dark, sappy, and on sale at Hot Topic, then you might be wondering, "What's all this hub-bub about Twilight? It's everywhere! One can't even walk by a brooding horde of pseudo-goth girls without hearing coveted whispers about someone named Edward. What's the deal?"

Good question. You're a bright young(old) man(woman). Let me explain the basic story of Twilight. With puppets.

Got it? Good. No? Okay...Teenage Bella moves to a new city and meets some strange/tormented guy, Edward (think Dillon from 90210...except with even better hair) who turns out to be a vampire. Don't worry. He doesn't eat/drink humans, only animals. So he's a good lifeblood-stealing, cute-puppy-killing vampire. Feel better?

By the way, did they really think that no one would notice the obvious inspiration for Edward? Come on! It's the story of little Eddie Munster's teenage years!

Anyway, there's another vampire guy...yadayadayada...hates Edward...goes after Bella...insert fight...Bella's saved...some reference to never ending love...and then millions of teenage girls are dreaming/wishing/hoping for undead members of the opposite-sex to fight over them.

It's a lot like Grease-meets-Lost-Boys-meets-Hannah-Montana-meets-Interview-with-a-Vampire-meets-Pride-and-Prejudice.

The story is based on a series of books of the same name. A point needs to be made here: These are massive books. Tolkien would be ashamed at the size of his piddly little stories that he wasted a large part of his life writing, compared to the epic size, scale, and weight of these books. It takes a team of seasoned loggers a fortnight to gather enough wood to supply the paper needs for just one copy of Twilight. It dwarfs any Harry Potter book, let me tell you.

I guess that's why the girls carrying (clutching might actually be more accurate) the books always look so sad, so lost in deep, hopeless thought. It's because their chiropractor has just warned them that if they don't lighten their load (ie stop reading Twilight), then their spine will fuse together and curve like a Christmas candy cane. Oh, the tough choices facing our youth today.



Rachel said...

i believe the rule is you have to read them to make fun of them. so you must have read these lovely books......

linda said...

Glad you started writing again.

El Presidente said...

The youth DO have it bad.


Slacktastic said...

I always suspected all the homeschooled kids were really vampires. At least it's not harry potter?

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