Sunday, November 23, 2008

Letters, Santa, and Tragedy

Dear Danielle,

Thank you for contacting us. My name is Jared Huffington of the Boston law firm Stanley, Huffington, and McKinney (LLC) and I represent Mr. S.M. Claus, Esq. As you know, Mr. Claus (herein referred to as "Santa") gets a lot of press coverage (mostly from liberal and biased reporters, truth be told) during his busiest time of the year. While Santa enjoys the publicity, he feels that important aspects of his work are continuously overlooked.

It has been Santa's wish that his work during the rest of the year be portrayed with the strictest adherence to journalistic integrity. That being said, Santa recently gave an interview for a local tv station about the off-season care and upkeep of his herd of reindeer. It is true that most of the reindeer are indeed, as you aptly described it, "nice". However, during this interview, things did go wrong and it ended with Santa eating one of his reindeer, Casper.

This letter is being sent to all of Santa's devoted followers and constituents as an abatement to keep any lawsuits, civil or criminal, from Santa and all of his subsidiaries.

Thank you for the many years of your faithful support of Santa. Santa happily looks forward to working with you in the future...if you remain good. In which case, he will continue to provide you with toys and happiness. However, if you are deemed contemptable (i.e. naughty), Santa will kill and eat another reindeer.

J. Huffington
Stanley, Huffington, and McKinney (LLC)


(Yes, I did write this...)

Friday, November 21, 2008


Every week my students take a Bible memory test. To break up the monotony I normally give them a scenerio or question that they have to answer on the back of the paper. Because I teach 13 and 14 year olds, the questions/situations are normally a little off beat. Random, if you will.

The question this week was, "What's the strangest thing to say during an awkward silence?" Here are some of the funnier answers:
"Marry me."
"What's that on your face?"
"I'm the one who killed grandpa!"
"Shrimp can change their gender."
"I've just realized that I've never seen your eyebrows before."
"Stalin was cool."
"Just FYI. I'm pregnant."
"Mr. H. is weird."

Proof again that 8th graders have great senses of humor...well, most of them.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Who's Afraid of the Prosperity Gospel?

So, just going through some of my favorite websites when I came across this amazing opportunity.

Sounds good. Who doesn't want financial freedom in these uncertain times? Curious and encouraged I clicked to find out more. Here's what it said:

Wow. I can have the keys to financial freedom and it's not about Benny Hinn Ministries?!? Sweet! See? He's not the money-centered, faith-healing charlatan, enemy-cursing pastor that so many people think he is! Sheesh, he gives his intentions plain as day:
I'm coming to you with this note not to talk about my needs...

He then tells a story of how Dr. Oral Roberts gave him a "seed" to bless his ministry after his trying times with the IRS and Senate Finance Committee inquiries. Dr. Rob encouraged Hinn's viewers to give to the BHM to help get him out of debt. Ohhhh...I get it. I can get out of debt if I help...Hinn get...out...of...debt. Wait. What? Maybe Brother Hinn can make it more clear for me.

Ok, I think I get what he's saying. If I send BHM money, then he will take my money to Dr. O's house and they will pray over it and there will/should/maybe be a financial harvest for me. Huh. Let me reread that... Yup, that's what he's saying. But then that means that my money will be used to get him out of debt. If I wanted to get out of debt, shouldn't I use my own money to get me out of debt?

Anyway, I thought this wasn't talking about Hinn's needs (see quote above). Good thing that even though I'm as confused as an antelope in a combine, Hinn encourages me that as I "sow my seed in faith...believe the Lord to take care of you (me)." Does Hinn believe that, though? Wouldn't that mean that Hinn should give money during this time of debt so he can get out of it?

Here's an eerie test of clarity: Re-read Hinn's article and everytime Hinn says "you" or "your" replace it with the appropriate "me/my/mine" and vice versa. See what happens! Finally, I think I understand! It's some kind of holy-hypnosis!

Happy World Toilet Day!

Yup, that's right. World Toilet Day. I'm really not sure what we're supposed to do to honor this monumental day...maybe buy your favorite toilet a cake?

Maybe when you see a toilet, shake it's hand, express how brave you think they are and, while wiping (get it?) a tear from your eye, tell them that they, above all other people, places, or things, are a true hero.

What a shame that most people don't recognize the unseen sacrafaeces... sacrafices, sorry... that our toilets make for us each and every day. We should all pitch in and make some care packages for the single and alone toilets who do do a lot of the work that goes unnoticed. And, if you ever run in to some anti-toilet-pinko-four-flusher-commie, well just give 'em some of these facts:

The average person spends three years of their life on the “john”.

The average person flushes a toilet about 2500 times a year, while using about eight sheets of toilet paper per day.

An estimated 2.6 billion people worldwide do not have access to proper toilet facilities, particularly in rural areas of China and India.

Lack of suitable toilets and sanitation kills approximately 1.8 million people a year, many of them children.

According to Jack Sims, a further 500 million toilets are needed to bridge the gap in sanitation.

The first flushing toilet was invented in 1596 by Sir John Harrington, a British noble and godson to Queen Elizabeth I. He only invented one, as he was ridiculed by his peers, but he still used it for himself.

Most toilets flush in the key of E flat.

On average, a person will use 22 litres of drinkable water every day flushing a toilet.

So, be sure to thank a toilet today. Get involved. Even if you're busy or just plain pooped, go drop the kids off and thank a toilet for covering your rear.


ps--sorry for all the puns, double-entendres, etc. I was on a roll. (d'oh!)

Thursday, November 6, 2008

How Low Can You Go?

So I was randomly watching tv the other nite and a show called "The World's Funniest Moments" came on. With Arsenio Hall. Let me emphasize that last part again: with Arsenio Hall. He actually came out on stage like he used to, rotating his fist and saying, "Yessss...Yesssss...".

Now, I liked him and his style when I was 12. But now it's just kinda...painful to watch. He actually came out pointing to people saying, "There you are!". My peanut butter and honey sandwhich almost came up more than once. I'll try to find and post the video for you. It's just soooooo painful that you have to see it.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Uh O

Well, congrats but I still feel better knowing that Christ is in control. BTW, did anyone know or make mention that another AA was running for president? I kind of like him. I guess that's what I get for relying on the news for information. Oh well. Maybe in '12?

Monday, November 3, 2008

How shall we then vote?

Here's an article by muse-ican Derek Webb on the Christian's right to vote or not, based on their conscience. While I normally don't write to any author, I felt that I had to respond. Just please read the article before you read my response.


interesting article. just two quick thoughts. first, the US is a republic if i remember correctly. second, what about another objection that states that if you don't vote, then you abdicate your right to complain, criticize, or disagree with anything political at local, state, or national levels? also, there are other things to vote on besides who you want to be president, things that will possibly impact your relationship with your neighbor (ie funding for education, property taxes, etc).

this reminds me of a poster i have on my wall in my classroom. it has a triangle with the words "rescuers" at one point, "bystanders" the other, and "perpetrators" at the last point. in the middle it has the word "victim". the poster, gotten from a holocaust museum, simply asks, "which role do you choose?". we fit somewhere in it, like our political process, like it or not.

i think i understand your basic point and agree with most of it. you can't violate your conscience, if it's based on the understanding of God's will as revealed in His Word. martin luther spoke up to the injustices and infidelities of the church when most did not. he got involved when he saw the "spokesperson" of God going against what God's Word says. but he also didn't go against his conscience based on "...scripture and plain reason alone." i guess i just don't like the whole pinocchio idea of always letting your conscience (alone) be your guide. your conscience must be based on or from something. something that is bigger than you. for the body of Christ, that should be evident.

anyway, just thought i would share these thoughts.


michael herbert