Thank you for contacting us. My name is Jared Huffington of the Boston law firm Stanley, Huffington, and McKinney (LLC) and I represent Mr. S.M. Claus, Esq. As you know, Mr. Claus (herein referred to as "Santa") gets a lot of press coverage (mostly from liberal and biased reporters, truth be told) during his busiest time of the year. While Santa enjoys the publicity, he feels that important aspects of his work are continuously overlooked.
It has been Santa's wish that his work during the rest of the year be portrayed with the strictest adherence to journalistic integrity. That being said, Santa recently gave an interview for a local tv station about the off-season care and upkeep of his herd of reindeer. It is true that most of the reindeer are indeed, as you aptly described it, "nice". However, during this interview, things did go wrong and it ended with Santa eating one of his reindeer, Casper.
This letter is being sent to all of Santa's devoted followers and constituents as an abatement to keep any lawsuits, civil or criminal, from Santa and all of his subsidiaries.
Thank you for the many years of your faithful support of Santa. Santa happily looks forward to working with you in the future...if you remain good. In which case, he will continue to provide you with toys and happiness. However, if you are deemed contemptable (i.e. naughty), Santa will kill and eat another reindeer.
Yours, J. Huffington Stanley, Huffington, and McKinney (LLC)
start with one sinner redeemed by Christ, mix in one part navy brat, two sisters, add two brother-in-laws, sprinkle with the laughter of 3 nieces and a nephew, a dash of education, equal portions of successes and failures, top with two high quality parents, scatter around the country and cook for 32 years. For high altitudes: add some great music and beautiful mountainsides.