I know you are, but what am I?

Names are funny to me. Whether an appellation or eponym; moniker or sobriquet. Names make me smile.

For example: Eudora Jones Wafflesniffer. Or Jasmine Harbinger McTickelburger. Jo-Jo Blue Toes. Even Magnus "Love Letters" Thunderbucket brings a satisfying chuckle to my day.

So, right around the end of 3rd qtr I start allowing my students to call me something other than "Mr. Herbert" or "Mr. H." Now, before anyone goes all, "Teacher's shouldn't be friends with their students and let them call you by your first name!" on me, I do put a few caveats with it.

Rule 1. No first names.
Rule 2. Nothing mean, rude, or derogatory.
Rule 3. Creativity impresses me, so if they can come up with something I haven't heard before, the better their grade in class (just kidding...making sure you're actually reading!)

Here's a sampling of the most common names I've gotten in the past:
- Herbalicious
- Herbie
- Herb
- MC Herb

Not bad. This year, I laid out the same rules and one student took the creativity challenge to heart. Here's what he came up with.

- Herbizzle
- H-Dawg
- H-McGravy
- Herbcream
- H-Lights
- Herbwhite
- H-Grizzay
- Herb-e-que
- Herben Turk
- H-Sully
- Herbie Mike
- DC Herb
- H Cap
- Bumpy Bear
- Techman Herb
- Gear Guy H
- Ferry Fish
- Tall Man Waters
- Holy Herb

{sniff} I'm so proud!

mbh

Wonders and One Liners from CS Lewis.

You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. It is easy to you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose that you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn't you then first discover how much you really trusted it? ... Only a real risk tests the reality of a belief.

Nothing is yet in it's true form.

Enough had been thought, and said, and felt, and imagined. It was about time that something should be done.

This year, or this month, or, more likely, this very day, we have failed to practise ourselves the kind of behaviour we expect from other people.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.

I need Christ, not something that resembles Him.

10 Things to Know About Me

Here are some things you may (or may not) know (or care to know) about me:

1. I hate it when people make me feel stupid. I hated when I was a kid, I hated it in high school, and after getting really experienced with it, I hate it even more as an adult. I know I say dumb/silly/inane things...that should be no surprise, but for the love of Pete, everything I say doesn't have to be responded to with, "That's awkward...", or "On that note...". Those sayings are funny the first time...after that it gets offensive.

2. Rolling ones socks together when putting them in a drawer is an abomination.

3. A selfish, self-centered person, on my list of people I despise, comes right after Satan, Hitler, Jim Morrison, Pol Pot, and Bill Maher. The world is filled with enough pain and need and hurt. A selfish person is someone who is not alive enough to notice or care. I know this sounds harsh but it's, truthfully, because I'm selfish beyond all reason and I hate it.

4. The busier I am, the better I feel.

5. There is an audiobiographical playlist and soundtrack in my head that I've been composing since I was 7. There's a blog series that I've wanted to start about it, but, meh, I'm not there yet.

6. Little things don't matter to me and little things do matter to me.

7. I have two reoccurring dreams: One is about my teeth falling out (that's a bad dream) and the other is where I'm in the mountains in Switzerland, with blue skies and my family (that's a good dream). The teeth dreams happen more frequently...what in the world for?!?

8. Being an educator I know this might sound odd, but I value wisdom and understanding more than education. Education is a process that guarantees no results. Wisdom and knowledge are both means to something greater and ends in themselves. To paraphrase Marshall McLuhan (and Neil Postman): The Medium is the Message and Metaphor. I don't know if that makes sense or even applies in the right way, but it makes me sound smart.

9. I anthropomorphise numbers. "9" is a greedy and mean older grandma-ish character. "10" is a kind and gentle grandfather figure. "5" is the mother of the younger numbers and the daughter of "10". Yeah, I don't know where this comes from, either.

10. Above all, I value in others (and want for myself) a teachable heart.


mbh

Muse-ick

One of the most common questions I hear while I'm supervising the hallways at school (you can never really trust a hallway, can you?) is, "Did you watch Idol last night?!?"

My first reaction is to point at said questioner and, in my best, most thunderous Moses voice, proclaim various damnation's, from the plague of inflatable toes to turning their energy drinks into harmless and healthy water.



Actually, this is done primarily through a change in my body language as my shoulders ratchet up to my ears and my face contorts much like an astronaut going through a g-force simulator. One time a concerned student saw my reaction and cautiously approached me, put a hand on my shoulder and genuinely asked, "Mr. H? You okay?"



Yeah, I don't like American Idol. No, really. There is nothing in my soul that cares a wisp of monkey fodder for this juggernaut of entertainment. "But," you may ask, "what's wrong with people wanting to pursue their passions? To follow their dreams?" Well, nothing. Except if everyone were to follow their dreams then I would currently be trying to get a baby elephant to swim around in my bowl of tomato soup...seeing as how that was one of my most recent dreams.



"Don't be stupid," you might rightly say, "I'm talking about real dreams." Well, me too. The difference is that I know when my dreams should never, ever, see the light of day, let alone be projected via satellite to every boobtube in the world. I'm sorry but that's where I draw my line.

"Oh, come on. Now you're being difficult. Besides, some people go on Idol just to make fun of themselves. That's why I watch it; to see how bad some of the people are."

Granted, but I have a problem with that.

I watched Idol once and I immediately got the feeling that I was watching "rush week" at Fox Beta Moo (or some such frat/sorority). People were doing anything, literally anything, to get the approval of the senior(!) brothers and sisters.

And this is how I think Simon Cowell really got the idea for the show: One night, while sitting on the porch of his frat house, Simon and a few of his cronies (who may or may not have been Paula and Randy) started heckling, rating, criticising, and ogling every freshman wishing/wanting/nay hoping to get to hear the phrase shouted at them, "Welcome to Hollywood, baby!"



Nobody wants that. Correction: nobody should want that. If people really thought happiness and dream-coming-true-ness was found on a stage in front of caustic Beta males and an intoxicated(?) puma...then, well, maybe they should rethink their dreams.

Dreams and happiness are too important to leave up to a panel of judges and a nation of tweens and teens with a cellphone and nothing better to do.

mbh

You Don't Need to Buy a Gift to Give a Gift

This one caught me off guard. Tis the Season, indeed.

Romania: T-minus One Month...

Head 5,751 miles due east from Colorado Springs and you'll hit the small town of Resita, Romania nestled at the south western edge of the Transylvania Alps. Actually, with about 80,000 people, it's really more of a city, now that I think about it.



That's what I've been doing a lot of these past few days. Thinking. And thinking. And more thinking. What have I signed up for? What have you donated money (thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou) for me to do? Am I going there to build something? Teach? Lead a camp? Counsel? ...Sing?

The truth of it is, yes, all of the above. 2 students, 2 teachers, and one brave principal are going to a K-12 Christian school in the city to help, learn, serve, and work with the teachers, staff, and students in whatever ways they need.







This is, hopefully, going to be the opening chapter in a great story between two schools from different cultures sharing one faith. After all, that's what it's all about, right?

Stay tuned! More to come...

mbh

Lessons From Cleaning Your House

Ok, so I was in my garage when a cop car pulled up and a police woman made a b-line right to me. She said that they had gotten a 911 call from my location. Here's a snippet of the conversation:

"Uhhhhh...I didn't call 911..." I said trying to maintain a smile.

"Is there anyone else here?" the officer said sternly.

"Uhhhhh....nooooo..." smile fading.

"Well, we tried calling back and no one answered." she said with a hint of concern and doubt.

"Huh. I've been working in my garage and cleaning windows and the siding on my house. Maybe something short circuted." I offer.

"Can I look around inside?" she said again filled with doubt.

"Uhhh....yeah, of course. No problem."

We head upstairs from my garage and it is at the top of the stairs that I realize I still have my gun (and ammo) out from cleaning it earlier in the day.

I pause before we enter my house and say something like, "Uh...just to let you know...I have my gun out because I was cleaning it..."

Visions of the cop throwing me against the wall, handcuffing me in rodeo breaking time, and shouting phrases like, "DON'T MOVE, SCUMBAG!" and "WHERE'S THE BODY?!?" filled my head.

But she just said, "Okay." and slowly moved her hand to the top of her gun, resting it there.

She walked around my house, which was in the process of being cleaned and reorganized. Clothes were strewn everywhere because I was getting ready to donate them to ARC, which is innocent enough. But when a cop enters your house due to a 911 call, add a gun laying out in the open and clothes everywhere you get more of signs of a struggle-thing happening. Not good. Soooo not good....

Her cop reasoning must've been pretty good and she was convinced that I was not a threat or hiding anything nefarious. She thanked me for my time and said I had a nice view.

I was still in a state of shock, thinking of all the ways the scene could've appeared, but said good bye and sorry for the trouble.

Growing old ain't bad

I just ran across this quote by Amazing Grace author John Newton. Pretty inspiring stuff.

"For to me, to live is Christ—and to die is gain!" Philippians 1:21

Dear friend,
You kindly inquire about my health. I am, through the grace of God—perfectly well. Yet, as healthy as I am—I labor under a growing disorder, for which there is no cure—I mean old age. I am glad that it is a mortal disease, from which I will not recover! I would not always want to live in such a poor world as this! I have a Scriptural hope of a glorious inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—reserved in heaven for me!

I am now in my seventy-second year, and have lived long enough. I have known something of the evils of life—and have had a large share of the good things of life. I know what the world can do—and what it cannot do. It can neither give nor take away that peace of God which passes all understanding; it cannot soothe a wounded conscience, nor enable us to meet death and eternity with comfort.

I have an abiding and abounding experience, that the Gospel is the "universal remedy" adapted to all our wants and all our woes; and a "suitable help" when every other help fails!

Your affectionate friend,
John Newton

http://www.gracegems.org/Grace_Gems.htm

The End is Nigh!

The End is coming! The End is coming! So much to do, so much to do! Grades! Track meets! Tie more (and better) flies! Put on new motorcycle tires! Write better (again) blogs without exclamations! Find a better summer job! Paint the upstairs! Toil in the garden!

Whew! Makes me tired just thinking about it. Maybe I need a vacation :)

Mother of All Finals

So the students had their Bible Memory Final last week, and I must say, they did jaw droppingly well. To continue with the tradition of writing something on the back of their Bible Memory sheets, I had them create a horror story based on a breakfast cereal. Here are some of the ones that I can't wait to see produced:

One day, Lucky was walking along when he was grabbed by the children. They tied Lucky to a chair and shot his shoulder, then asked him the location of the Charms. He refused to tell them, so they shot him again in the kneecap. They asked him again, but he still refused to tell them. The children cut off his ear. Lucky screamed, but there was no one around to hear. The children then asked him for a third time, and this time he told them.

The Charms were behind a magical waterfall.

They then killed Lucky.

Something a little 24-ish about that one.

One time this kid ate radioactive Raisin Bran and it ate his innards because it was taking revenge on the kid for eating him. The kid died.

No joke. Just kidding, it is. Just kidding, it's too scary and serious to be a joke. It is more like mythical folklore. Just kidding, it's not because there is no dragon. Just kidding, the kid was a dragon. Just kidding, he doesn't exist. Just kidding, he does exist in my story.

You can see why I like this one so much.

Once there was a boy named Raul. Raul loved cereal! He constantly ate cereal, he worshipped cereal, he even bathed in cereal. He prayed to the cereal gods night and day. The cereal started to consume his life. He was so enveloped by cereal he soon learned how to control cereal. He very quickly gained power. Soon he was the dictator of Mexico and ruled his people with an iron fist. He used Froot Loops to hang people.

Wheaties -- The Breakfast with Champions

Bobby Joe was a star basketball player. He was so good that Wheaties invited him to put his picture on their box. He was dropped off by his buddies and they left. After his picture was taken, they took him into a dark, dark room. They said they were going to show him how Wheaties are made.

He was never heard from again. Some say he fell down some stairs and it ended his career. Others say he moved to Guatemala for no reason. The real story? They don't make Wheaties out of wheat. Why do you think they have pictures of athletes on the cover?

Soylent Green, errr...I mean, Wheaties, is made of people!!!

mbh

A Brief History of Twilight

For those of us who are not teenage girls, a bookstore clerk, or a lover of all that is dark, sappy, and on sale at Hot Topic, then you might be wondering, "What's all this hub-bub about Twilight? It's everywhere! One can't even walk by a brooding horde of pseudo-goth girls without hearing coveted whispers about someone named Edward. What's the deal?"

Good question. You're a bright young(old) man(woman). Let me explain the basic story of Twilight. With puppets.



Got it? Good. No? Okay...Teenage Bella moves to a new city and meets some strange/tormented guy, Edward (think Dillon from 90210...except with even better hair) who turns out to be a vampire. Don't worry. He doesn't eat/drink humans, only animals. So he's a good lifeblood-stealing, cute-puppy-killing vampire. Feel better?

By the way, did they really think that no one would notice the obvious inspiration for Edward? Come on! It's the story of little Eddie Munster's teenage years!

Anyway, there's another vampire guy...yadayadayada...hates Edward...goes after Bella...insert fight...Bella's saved...some reference to never ending love...and then millions of teenage girls are dreaming/wishing/hoping for undead members of the opposite-sex to fight over them.

It's a lot like Grease-meets-Lost-Boys-meets-Hannah-Montana-meets-Interview-with-a-Vampire-meets-Pride-and-Prejudice.

The story is based on a series of books of the same name. A point needs to be made here: These are massive books. Tolkien would be ashamed at the size of his piddly little stories that he wasted a large part of his life writing, compared to the epic size, scale, and weight of these books. It takes a team of seasoned loggers a fortnight to gather enough wood to supply the paper needs for just one copy of Twilight. It dwarfs any Harry Potter book, let me tell you.

I guess that's why the girls carrying (clutching might actually be more accurate) the books always look so sad, so lost in deep, hopeless thought. It's because their chiropractor has just warned them that if they don't lighten their load (ie stop reading Twilight), then their spine will fuse together and curve like a Christmas candy cane. Oh, the tough choices facing our youth today.


mbh

What happens when you don't feel like writing...?

You post a video! It's short, fun to watch, and makes me wish for a warm fall day to ride in.



mbh

"God Is Most Glorified In You When You Are Most Satisfied In Him In The Midst Of Loss Not Prosperity"

I know you have probably have seen this before but I thought I would post it because it deserves to be watched whenever you are down, lost, frustrated, etc. about the abuses done in the name of Christ.

[Sorry for the poorly crafted sentence...thoughts seem to come more quickly than grammar rules]

Letters, Santa, and Tragedy

Dear Danielle,

Thank you for contacting us. My name is Jared Huffington of the Boston law firm Stanley, Huffington, and McKinney (LLC) and I represent Mr. S.M. Claus, Esq. As you know, Mr. Claus (herein referred to as "Santa") gets a lot of press coverage (mostly from liberal and biased reporters, truth be told) during his busiest time of the year. While Santa enjoys the publicity, he feels that important aspects of his work are continuously overlooked.

It has been Santa's wish that his work during the rest of the year be portrayed with the strictest adherence to journalistic integrity. That being said, Santa recently gave an interview for a local tv station about the off-season care and upkeep of his herd of reindeer. It is true that most of the reindeer are indeed, as you aptly described it, "nice". However, during this interview, things did go wrong and it ended with Santa eating one of his reindeer, Casper.

This letter is being sent to all of Santa's devoted followers and constituents as an abatement to keep any lawsuits, civil or criminal, from Santa and all of his subsidiaries.

Thank you for the many years of your faithful support of Santa. Santa happily looks forward to working with you in the future...if you remain good. In which case, he will continue to provide you with toys and happiness. However, if you are deemed contemptable (i.e. naughty), Santa will kill and eat another reindeer.

Yours,
J. Huffington
Stanley, Huffington, and McKinney (LLC)


cc:fts




(Yes, I did write this...)

Awkward...

Every week my students take a Bible memory test. To break up the monotony I normally give them a scenerio or question that they have to answer on the back of the paper. Because I teach 13 and 14 year olds, the questions/situations are normally a little off beat. Random, if you will.

The question this week was, "What's the strangest thing to say during an awkward silence?" Here are some of the funnier answers:

"Marry me."
"Duck!"
"What's that on your face?"
"I'm the one who killed grandpa!"
"Shrimp can change their gender."
"I've just realized that I've never seen your eyebrows before."
"Stalin was cool."
"Just FYI. I'm pregnant."
"Mr. H. is weird."

Proof again that 8th graders have great senses of humor...well, most of them.
mbh

Who's Afraid of the Prosperity Gospel?

So, just going through some of my favorite websites when I came across this amazing opportunity.

Sounds good. Who doesn't want financial freedom in these uncertain times? Curious and encouraged I clicked to find out more. Here's what it said:



Wow. I can have the keys to financial freedom and it's not about Benny Hinn Ministries?!? Sweet! See? He's not the money-centered, faith-healing charlatan, enemy-cursing pastor that so many people think he is! Sheesh, he gives his intentions plain as day:

I'm coming to you with this note not to talk about my needs...

He then tells a story of how Dr. Oral Roberts gave him a "seed" to bless his ministry after his trying times with the IRS and Senate Finance Committee inquiries. Dr. Rob encouraged Hinn's viewers to give to the BHM to help get him out of debt. Ohhhh...I get it. I can get out of debt if I help...Hinn get...out...of...debt. Wait. What? Maybe Brother Hinn can make it more clear for me.



Ok, I think I get what he's saying. If I send BHM money, then he will take my money to Dr. O's house and they will pray over it and there will/should/maybe be a financial harvest for me. Huh. Let me reread that... Yup, that's what he's saying. But then that means that my money will be used to get him out of debt. If I wanted to get out of debt, shouldn't I use my own money to get me out of debt?

Anyway, I thought this wasn't talking about Hinn's needs (see quote above). Good thing that even though I'm as confused as an antelope in a combine, Hinn encourages me that as I "sow my seed in faith...believe the Lord to take care of you (me)." Does Hinn believe that, though? Wouldn't that mean that Hinn should give money during this time of debt so he can get out of it?

Here's an eerie test of clarity: Re-read Hinn's article and everytime Hinn says "you" or "your" replace it with the appropriate "me/my/mine" and vice versa. See what happens! Finally, I think I understand! It's some kind of holy-hypnosis!
mbh

Happy World Toilet Day!

Yup, that's right. World Toilet Day. I'm really not sure what we're supposed to do to honor this monumental day...maybe buy your favorite toilet a cake?



Maybe when you see a toilet, shake it's hand, express how brave you think they are and, while wiping (get it?) a tear from your eye, tell them that they, above all other people, places, or things, are a true hero.

What a shame that most people don't recognize the unseen sacrafaeces... sacrafices, sorry... that our toilets make for us each and every day. We should all pitch in and make some care packages for the single and alone toilets who do do a lot of the work that goes unnoticed. And, if you ever run in to some anti-toilet-pinko-four-flusher-commie, well just give 'em some of these facts:

The average person spends three years of their life on the “john”.

The average person flushes a toilet about 2500 times a year, while using about eight sheets of toilet paper per day.

An estimated 2.6 billion people worldwide do not have access to proper toilet facilities, particularly in rural areas of China and India.

Lack of suitable toilets and sanitation kills approximately 1.8 million people a year, many of them children.

According to Jack Sims, a further 500 million toilets are needed to bridge the gap in sanitation.

The first flushing toilet was invented in 1596 by Sir John Harrington, a British noble and godson to Queen Elizabeth I. He only invented one, as he was ridiculed by his peers, but he still used it for himself.

Most toilets flush in the key of E flat.

On average, a person will use 22 litres of drinkable water every day flushing a toilet.

So, be sure to thank a toilet today. Get involved. Even if you're busy or just plain pooped, go drop the kids off and thank a toilet for covering your rear.

mbh



ps--sorry for all the puns, double-entendres, etc. I was on a roll. (d'oh!)

How Low Can You Go?

So I was randomly watching tv the other nite and a show called "The World's Funniest Moments" came on. With Arsenio Hall. Let me emphasize that last part again: with Arsenio Hall. He actually came out on stage like he used to, rotating his fist and saying, "Yessss...Yesssss...".

Now, I liked him and his style when I was 12. But now it's just kinda...painful to watch. He actually came out pointing to people saying, "There you are!". My peanut butter and honey sandwhich almost came up more than once. I'll try to find and post the video for you. It's just soooooo painful that you have to see it.

Uh O

Well, congrats but I still feel better knowing that Christ is in control. BTW, did anyone know or make mention that another AA was running for president? I kind of like him. I guess that's what I get for relying on the news for information. Oh well. Maybe in '12?

How shall we then vote?

Here's an article by muse-ican Derek Webb on the Christian's right to vote or not, based on their conscience. While I normally don't write to any author, I felt that I had to respond. Just please read the article before you read my response.

derek,

interesting article. just two quick thoughts. first, the US is a republic if i remember correctly. second, what about another objection that states that if you don't vote, then you abdicate your right to complain, criticize, or disagree with anything political at local, state, or national levels? also, there are other things to vote on besides who you want to be president, things that will possibly impact your relationship with your neighbor (ie funding for education, property taxes, etc).

this reminds me of a poster i have on my wall in my classroom. it has a triangle with the words "rescuers" at one point, "bystanders" the other, and "perpetrators" at the last point. in the middle it has the word "victim". the poster, gotten from a holocaust museum, simply asks, "which role do you choose?". we fit somewhere in it, like our political process, like it or not.

i think i understand your basic point and agree with most of it. you can't violate your conscience, if it's based on the understanding of God's will as revealed in His Word. martin luther spoke up to the injustices and infidelities of the church when most did not. he got involved when he saw the "spokesperson" of God going against what God's Word says. but he also didn't go against his conscience based on "...scripture and plain reason alone." i guess i just don't like the whole pinocchio idea of always letting your conscience (alone) be your guide. your conscience must be based on or from something. something that is bigger than you. for the body of Christ, that should be evident.

anyway, just thought i would share these thoughts.

yours,

michael herbert